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friends friends friends... the biggest issue of my life right now. Whether it's meeting new people and trying to find enough time to hang out with them, or trying to settle down a spat between my two good friends, or just having problems with my old friends myself... it's been way too tiring than it should have been. I guess the one thing I'm most concerned about is my friends drifting away. I realize that university mean a chance to start over for some people, but I'm not one of them, I never wanted to start over, and I really, perhaps naively, expected to keep the friendships that I had all through university.

I don't even know who bothers reading this post, but it makes me feel better if I just pretend people do. But if you know me a little bit, then I guess you probably know as well that I was someone who hardly formed any deep relationships with anyone in highschool. Just 2 or 3 friends, nothing like the way I used to be in jr.high. But just these 2-3 relationships, i thought, were so, so deep. Maybe i overestimated the bonds I had formed with people. in my stupid little, innocent, clueless brain, I was imagining that these friendships would last till the day i died.

It's true, some of my friends have tried to keep in touch, and its very heartwarming, I feel really happy. whether its just making fun of Kwan over msn together with Hirata or something stupid like that, I still feel this overwhelming happiness. I'd randomly go leave a "i love u"! msg on their msn when they were offline.

But there are people who wanted to throw this all away. I never really knew why, in my mind everyone was happy in highschool, I thought my friend would really treasure this friendship forever, i thought that maybe this friend would think about me all the time or atleast as often as i think about them. But now it just seems like I'm the only one who still cares. I'm the one who reads through their blogs to try and catch up with them, who tries to hunt them down on msn to talk to them. I'm the only one who's frusterated with our lack of communication. I know theres other things going on in their life, things like... meeting the love of their lives, struggling for university, etc etc... But atleast don't toss us aside like that. We're old friends through highschool. We're the velvetine rabbits. We were there for eachother when needed to be and we will be even if theres miles of distances between us.

I just really miss you guys... and sometimes it's really sad for me when I realize that some friends might not really care. T_T

Life's difficult isn't it? haha..

Tired

So tired..... I have never had a more tiring summer in all my life. For the past month it's been nothing but busy busy busy... I'm feeling kind of bad becuse I really wanted to spend a lot of time with friends. Everyone's schedule is just so different, I keep getting all confused about who's leaving now and who's coming back, who's free on this day and that. Just another week left until the 14. After that, I swear I'll hang out with friends everyday =_=. The big event in my life..... the concert! is tomorrow!!! I can't begin to explain how anxious I am right now. Not to mention tonights concert that I played wasn't that much of an ego booster. I've never played such a horrible concert in my life =___=.... lol... the piano was out of tune and had missing keys, I had to sit on a bench with two cushions because the chair was too small, and then I proceeded to forget a large section of every song I played... which was like.. 7?
I'm really looking forward to everything being over with. I know I haven't done a lot of my friends justice... always missing out on things... but just another week!!! have to pull through.

Looking at my friend's websites and talking to various people makes me feel kind of sad now. It's kind of like we're still here together right now, it's really impossible for me to accept that within a few weeks, everything will change. I really don't want to part with some of my friends, and more over, I really don't want to be forgotten by them. I find myself searching through people's blogs just to see if they mentioned my name, just to confirm to myself that my friends still think of me. =_=""" It's really silly of me and I realize that... but I'm a person who needs to see proof to believe. When I do find something about me in other people's writings, I find myself smiling, just cause I felt that I was somehow important to that person for atleast a short while.

A lot of people I know are going to Ontario with me, it makes me feel better cause it seems like we haven't parted completely yet. I really want to get together over there some time..... don't know how thats going to work.... really worried, but really want to...

Sorry for leaving everybody, it was really great being with you, I'll miss everyone for sure!! *tear*

summer.......

Wow... summer's here... It's been so long since I wrote in this blog. I was expecting a relaxing summer, but now I'm more stressed than I have been during school and IB =_=. On that note, IB is super super hard this year!! I was so crushed when I saw that most of my IB marks were so low! T________T But then I have my highschool marks, so it wasn't that bad...

1 Litre of Tears

It seems like I've gotten more comfortable with talking about stuff on my blog now... I'm really thankful for discovering this. I do actually feel a lot better after I write stuff. And I don't actually mind people reading it now, in fact it kind of makes me feel better that someone might be reading and trying to understand me. As long as I don't have to talk to them directly about it... haha.

My hands are a little shaky right now, kind of hard to type. 6:03 am in the morning, I didn't sleep again, and don't plan to, because last time I crawled into bed I fell asleep and was 2 hours late for school and got yelled at by Henderson.

I think I've got an affinity for sad japanese movies lately... and Japanese, because they seem to have a knack for making really really sad movies. And not the cheesy Korean ones that all have the same story line and everyone dies from leukemia.... etc etc. This one was actually an 11 episode drama... I decided to watch all of it. Actually the sky is really bright right now...

So it's about this girl who has a fatal and incurable disease that slowly takes away your ability to control your movements... so you slowly can't walk or talk, but you can still think perfectly rationally. Which is even more cruel than if the person had lost their thought process as well, because then they wouldn't feel so much pain as well. Anyway, I read some of the comments on the drama... and everyone says "OMG I'M SO SAD I'M CRYING BOOHOOHOO" and "OO I WISH I HAD A MOM LIKE THAT WHAT A LOVING FAMILY"... it kind of made me angry. Wher they really thinking when they wrote that?

I don't know whom they were crying for, but through most of the movie, the people I was crying for was the people around her. When something so terrible like that happens to someone, who is more hurt? The person being hurt or the person around them, watching them hurt? Who is it sadder for? Isn't it even more hurtful for the people who have to stand by and only observe, because there is nothing they can do? The main character is really admirable. Even though she had difficulties, this girl never gave up until she died. She is very strong, although she has weak moments. It's amazing to think that she and the entire movie is based off of real characters and a true story. I don't think I could do that... I really don't know how strong I am. It really is heart wrenching when I see a strong willed girl like her having weak moments and becoming scared. That's when I really feel like crying for her. As for the other times, when she has put up such an effort, I think it is better to smile for her, instead of like all those other people who sob about how it is so sad that she is going to die.

Anyway, their comments about their parents made me angry. I know kids are always complaining about how their parents don't understand them, but really they never tried to understand their parents either. Parents are people. And when they get older, the most important people to them are their children. If their child was going through the same thing, you can bet on it that they will be as loving as that "wonderful mom in the movie", however hard that may be to imagine. When they get older, their emotions are even more fragile than ours. But we never take time to consider this. We only think right now, we want to get away from them. We don't think about how sad it is when we refuse to talk to them, push them away, or tell them they are annoying. To be pushed away by the person they would give the world for, that is really... very sad.

We are going away to university now, and don't have much time left with them. I really just want to appreciate my parents for this little while. And I hope everyone does. Maybe one day we will really find out we don't have that much time left. Maybe we will wish that we had been a little kinder to them, and shown our love and appreciation a little more, instead of succumbing to that teenage ego and pride of ours.

Anyway... I'm done with my angry comment x_x. This other thing this movie did was to reconfirm why I chose not to be involved in medicine. The movie really depicted some very kind people. Like the doctors, who became doctors because they wholeheartedly wanted to help people. I suppose I'm more selfish... maybe I'm not that kind. To me, I feel that to be a doctor you need to have very good control of your emotions to not be involved with the patient, otherwise you'll get depressed. You have to be able to straight fowardly tell the people the terrible news. You have to face the burden of telling the patient themselves what they will be going through. And you must be able to not get emotionally involved. Being a doctor is depressing to me. I don't know if I could sacrifice myself for that kind of profession. They will have to deal with so many sad and hopeless cases. Perhaps I am just not a kind enough person, or perhaps I'm just scared of being easily attached to those patients... I don't know. All in all, that is something I would never choose.

This drama has really made me think about a lot. Appreciate everything while we have it. I really don't want to take anything for granted anymore. Life is really fragile, and we really don't have as much time as we think we do. Next time, when I'm about to explode at someone, maybe I'll remember this drama, and remember we don't have nearly enough time to appreciate everyone, so it really shouldn't be wasted on unpleasantness.

Time now... 6:31 am.

Tomodachi ~ friends

I've been surprised a lot lately by this subject. Maybe I thought too lowly of myself, and I never meant to push anyone away, but I really didn't think I meant anything to most people, much less that they would even take an interest in my life.

It had never occurred to me before to think that I was a cold person. I certainly hadn't thought so. I liked everyone I met except a few people, countable by fingers... so maybe that was why I thought that way. And it had never occurred to me that maybe I wasn't a trusting person, because I had thought I was.

Now that I think about it, I realize I've been really bogged down by loneliness for the past three years of high school, but I just never realized it. A while back, I started to get really upset because of this, and really feeling it hit. I knew there were many, many, many great and wonderful people around me, but I was never close to anyone, except probably Li. During that time, I still remember him saying, that really, I never gave anyone a chance to be close to me.

It wasn't like I was unaware of the nice things that people around me do for me. And I did notice when my friends were worried about me and cared about me. It was either that I didn't think I was important enough to anyone, or that I simply didn't want to be close to anyone. I don't really know which one it is.

When Jr. High ended, I really, really missed my little posse from back then. They had been my closest friends for those three years of my life, and still play a large role in my life even now. But now that I think back on it, I've never really opened up to them either. I can remember the countless times when they came to me when they were upset, and complained about their problems. But I can't remember a single time when I let them know anything about me or my personal life, except when they were involved. I think my closest friends from Jr. high was Zhang and Wong, but even then it was still the same. With Wong I had always played the big sister role. I had listened to her and given her advice, but I don't remember ever talking with her about any problems I had... and it didn't bother me. I enjoyed being the big sister and making her feel happier... but I still hadn't opened up to her. With Zhang, I talked more about things. I complained to her sometimes and talked with her lots, especially during sleepover. But when it came to my personal emotions, it was really, very difficult. I remember once when Yang had made me really upset, and when Zhang saw me I was crying very hard and it made her worried beyond words could express. I remember wanting to tell her everything I was feeling, but in the end I just couldn't. By the time I had calmed down and the whole thing was over, the only explanation I gave to her was in two short sentences without giving any hint of my emotions.

I feel very... sorry?... when I do this, and when I don't let those people who really really care about me know what is going on. I'm not sure why it's so hard either. I don't remember who said it (maybe Li again =_=) but maybe it's true that I'm just scared, because opening yourself to others is like standing before them naked and defenseless. But I'm starting to think that I should have. Now that highschool is almost over, I'm starting to feel like I missed out on a lot. A lot of good friends that I could have shared a closer bond with, who could have taken the weight off my shoulders and helped me carry my baggage.

I've gotten signs that people really do care, and it showed me that I wasn't that unimportant to them. It's made me feel a lot of gratitude towards all of these people, even though now it's a bit late, considering high school is almost over. I'm very surprised by it, that's for sure, and at the same time I'm very moved. And I'd really like to thank everyone because, even if I hadn't given you a chance to be there for me when I was down, I realize now that if I had let you, you would have stood by me and pulled me up. And I feel very happy and grateful just knowing that you would have.

And for that kid who's been unfortunate enough to have seen me mope and complain and bawl and be annoying in every other possible way... ... Thanks. I'd never have found high school as enjoyable as I do without you.


P.s. that person who inspired me and moved me to write this entry... You probably know who you are... thank you, and sorry, I wish I had spent more time to get to know such a caring and wonderful person.

Koizora

5:35 AM. Didn't sleep tonight.

The sky is bright outside already, when I finally turned around to look. I don't think I wasted my sleep for nothing.

Koizora, a Japanese 3 hour long movie. It means Sky of Love. It's the sweetest and saddest movie I have ever watched. It's about a boy and girl in high school, through their happiness and trials, parting and reunion... the most romantic movie any romantic could ever hope to watch.

It's such a sad movie, and I think I needed that tonight. I cried numerous times watching it, in the end I wasn't sure if I was crying for them or for myself. But, I feel better now. I feel at peace. Although I'm still confused, I want to keep looking up. Keep being hopeful. Keep working hard. I have my friends around me for support. And I still have him. I'm still loved.

Samishii

I'm really tired. Not physically, just emotionally. In fact I'm not even the slightest bit sleepy.
I was really ... I don't know. Needed to talk to someone. Looked for Li and Piao but they weren't on. Didn't want to call them. I ended up talking to HC... it's been a while since I talked to him about this kinda stuff. I just really needed someone.

HC's one of my best friends from a while ago, but we're very different. It was interesting, our conversation. His outlook is very different from mine. But I must say, I'm still as confused as ever.

Am I being too overly dramatic? I don't really know anything anymore. I'm unsure about my life... this relationship. I don't know if I can keep going. I've been trying really hard, God knows... I don't even know what I'm unsatisfied about anymore. Everything's blurry and confusing to me. Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what I want and what's missing, and exactly why I'm upset, but then the next moment I really don't know... just like now.

I know he cares for me, a lot. I don't know why it bothers me so much that every night we only barely talk before he falls asleep and leaves me on my own. I should be happy that we talk at all. I should be happy that he enjoys talking about his games to me. I should be happy that he calls me. But I'm not. What's wrong with me? I want too much? I'm expecting too much? Am I being too greedy?

I really don't want to make it seem like it's all his fault. But. Something is missing in this relationship. Something has gone. I don't know what it is. I don't feel like I matter to him. I know I do, but there is no proof of that... he doesn't show it. I'm no longer confident about my self, about him, about us. I don't think he understands, still. Maybe I don't understand me. But I'm really hurting inside right now. We don't talk anymore. He doesn't care when I'm upset. Even when he knows I'm crying and I really need him, he won't stay here for me. He'll just go to sleep anyway.

I'm really afraid of the sound of him hanging up the phone. Every time I hear it, it sounds so loud to me. It echoes everywhere, and I hate it. Am I being too stupid and sensitive and dependent? For expecting him to not fall asleep for me even though he's tired? But what if I really needed him by me? What's more important? I don't know.

One, two, three... how many months has it been like this? I've lost track of time. It started out small. Wasn't a big problem. I know I'm not always at the top of his priorities. But... I can't stand being at the bottom. Maybe I'm exaggerating.

It hurt every night. I found myself crying to sleep for consecutive... how many days now. I don't know what's wrong with me either. I'm not being dramatic. I have a very small request for happiness, and that is maybe one day he could just quietly be doing something for me, like singing a song or reading something... anything, and I could fall asleep before him. That's happiness for me. That's all I want. I don't expect much now... really.

It's hard for me to explain to him. I thought I had. I just want to talk to him, I want his attention, just a little bit. A week ago we had the biggest fight so far, about the same thing. But now we're back at square one. He's still calling me 10 minutes before he sleeps, and we have nothing to say on the phone. Even if I had something to say, he would respond in a way so that it's really hard to keep the conversation going. I really can't keep it going by myself. I try my best. It's not enough.

I tried to be strong for the longest time. Before I didn't even cry about it. Then I started to. Then regularly. I'd cry at night, then the next day be perfectly fine. But now I can't do even that. I just need to keep trying. Try to talk to him, say something interesting. I miss those times when we just lay on the bed and talked to each other, and did only that. Yesterday I waited 3 hours for him... but in the end... nothing. Today, he called at 11:30... nothing. I'm getting so tired. So worn out. I can't be strong forever either!

I don't know what I'm expecting anymore. I feel like some part of my is really close to cracking. I'm so close to giving up this relationship. But I don't want to. I still love him, and we've come so far. But I need to protect myself too. I'm not strong like people say, I'm really sensitive, and I know that's one of my biggest problems. I just hate showing it to people... I feel embarrased. I kind of want him to see this though. But... I'm scared. Scared that maybe he still won't understand. Scared that even if he reads this he won't care. I don't know. I don't know anything right now. Not me. Not him.

I'm still waiting for this cloud to pass. But right now, it's endless, and I am oh so tired.

Graduation

Yesterday was the graduation ceremony and banquet.. the only one I'll have in my life O_O. For some reason though I wasn't too excited about it, during or after. It was really fun to see everyone in their gowns though. The teachers' gowns were so funny! They looked like this death eaters from Harry Potter... I was so tempted to pull my homeroom teacher's hood over his head.

We picked up Frank after the ceremony in the morning, and then we went to eat Pho, where they gave us this GIGANTIC portion, and I ate more than all of them XD. I feel very proud of myself. I really wanted to spend more time with my friends though... we had things to do. We'll hang out together next time for sure!

So then we went to the banquet in the evening. It was pretty cool, although I wish they gave us something better for dinner. My parents didn't like it T_T I was sad... maybe I shouldn't have invited them, they don't really get excited or appreciate this grad stuff, being the asians they are haha. One of the things I was disappointed with is that I couldn't sit with Ashley or Jak or Jason or Dan. It would have made the night a lot more fun. *disappointed* We need bigger tables.

The fireworks in the middle of the banquet was pretty awsome XD. I think I almost had a heart attack though, but it was very exciting........ O_______O haha. I'm amazed they're allowed to do that.. what about the really old people!! O_O won't they get sick or something?

Anyway... Frank was starting to be really gloomy after the banquet, and I got kind of upset. He kept wandering off without me or just sitting there and not talking to me, which was really awkward. Then I got really frusterated and tried to talk to him, and he said the reason why he was there is just to look like a companion for me... well........ not really! I really wanted to spend a fun evening together with him, not just for him to be a statue beside me =_=. Anyway so some other things were said, and I really didn't want to listen anymore so I just wandered off somewhere on my own... got a cup of coffee, except it was 1:5 coffee to milk ratio... and I couldn't see what I was doing anymore cause my vision was all blurry... and I really wanted Frank to come after me or something but he didn't.... I somehow made my way and found a couple of friends. It was really hard too, cause I had to keep bending my head down. I really hate it when people can actually see my face when I cry. Anyway, this is a good reason for girls not to wear makeup, just incase they start crying and smudging their makeup all over the place.... O_O. So I was lucky I didn't have any.

It was strange though, because when I saw my friends at first it was okay, but when they asked if something was wrong I suddenly felt it to be very hard to control myself O_O and I suddenly really really wanted to cry, and I didn't want them to see, so I ran away. But being the good friends they are, they came after me and hugged me and stuff....... ><><. Anyway, that made me feel alot better. Everyone just gathered around me and gave me hugs ><. Wahhhh.................... thank you so much my friends ><... XD....

So, I found out later that Li (Li, I'm stealing you method of mentioning people now because it's less exposing?? XD) actually went and talked to Yang... and Yang kept talking about how great a friend I had made... I really think so too XD. I'm sorry for ruining your suit Li... i think O_O I hope it's alright.

Anyway, I'm just bursting with emotions right now whenever I think about it. It makes me so unspeakably happy, actually, to know that I have friends like these. XD. Yang was also very sweet after, although not right after, cause even after Li talked to him he still asked me if I wanted to break up......... I must say that was quite a blow... anyway but he did in the end step forward to apologize and did everything he could to make the rest of my night better, and as usual his apology was realy sweet and sincere. It was alright. I was alright.

So we went to Bonny's house after... Piao decided to try to get wasted... that was pretty funny LOL. We sang english songs even though i still can't sing after being so violently sick haha, and played board games ( I was really enthusiatic about that hahaa.... what was it called again? concentration or sumthing? when you move the pieces around and send other pieces into their home base when you land on the same place as them...) It was hilarious cause we kept cursing Yang to lose and I was absolutely ecstatic when he lost.... picking on him feels good hahaha. Then we played MahJong... err then I slept... or tried, and got my arm killed because Yang was sleeping on it and I had the pins and needles thing so I kept trying to hit him to wake him up =_= but it didn't work, and he breathes really loudly when he sleeps..... looooooool..... restless night.

I had fun looking at pictures with my family today. I'll really miss everyone when September comes around. I'm excited and can't wait to be there but... kind of don't want to part with everyone either.

I did write a grad song a while ago, but I never got around to putting it up. I'll post the lyrics here.

I'll remember you
when we all go our separate way
severy minute
every second that we struggled through together
I'll remember you
when we are looking back at now
And I'll remember every face that ever made me smile
and though the days will fly and all will be a memory
your color will forever be with mef
orever be a part of me

and i will smile as I remember all those moments that we shared
all those times you stood by me
and all those times you showed you cared
We have grown our wings prepared to fly and now is our time
to say goodbye
And i'll remember you

Good bye

boo....

I'm sad. I think my friend is mad at me but I don't know why. Today was cities for badminton tournaments and we both went to watch. He was sick so I was worried, and I told him to go home. And then he stopped talking to me and told me to piss off T__T. *really depressed*. I guess I'll talk to him tomorrow... I'm really scared though, I hate conflicts... hate being misunderstood... but what can you do...

Frank did well today, although he lost both his games. They were good games and I was proud of him. But I guess he felt worse and worse after the game so he was pretty unhappy when we left too... and yelled at me on the c-train *sniff*. But Ivy did well, she got to zones even with asthma. I'm incredibly happy for her. She got interviewed by Calgary Herald too! Look for her picture in the newspaper everyone lol. Too bad my day wasn't great lol... recently something bad always seems to happen everyday. Or maybe I'm just in another state of depression.

Someday things will start looking up. I'm going to be Ivy's official Godsis one day, after she turns 18. It'll be fun ^^.

This picture is by Kagaya by the way.

Jade

This is the ... 4th? time i tried to do a more realistic person... this one turned out very well! I'm very happy with the colros and her face... particularly hands! That took forever to do.

Today was an okay day... I skipped badminton because of the crazy snow, and because I got sick again.. for the 5th time in a month. I kicked off my blanket last night so i woke up from freezing... and by that time I was already sick... SIGH...

I'm so dizzy right now I don't want to go anywhere... but I have work tomorrow. Why does life have to be so cruel! *sniff*

CG art work! ><

Today completely went downhill after Chem class. Had a huge spat with Frank, people actually rolled down their windows because they thought he was going to hit me or something, which he would never do. It was actually quite funny. I ended up being a water fountain again, not that it's not a common occurance lately. I'm a water fountain for approximately 3 out of 7 days now, and it's actually pretty tiring, especially after it goes on for 3 months. Apparently being a water fountain isn't relieving my stress the way it's supposed to.

Anyway... yay! This is one of the more recent pictures I did on computer... photoshop. Photoshop is heaven, seriously. I'm quite happy with the improvements in the picture from the earlier pictures I did, through copying styles from HeiSe (lol). I've just realized that most artists use a model when they draw, which makes it much easier when designing something... but unfortunately I don't have such a thing so my memory will have to make do. I'm happy with his facial proportions although the shading makes him look incredibly funny... *tear*... but I'll learn... slowly... eventually......

There's two copies of the same picture in different colors... I was experimenting with colors. It's interesting to note how they affect the picture so much. I personally prefer the blue one.

Boohoo.. my first badminton play off

Today I played my first badminton play off tournament ever! It was very sad and disappointing, but very educational. I learned that I have absolutely no stamina compared to other people. But I did discover some really good hits, which made me happy... though I was too tired to use them by the end. There are some pretty amazing people at the tournament... I lost 5 out of 7 games *cries*. But my 21-5 score was my pride and joy heh. Anyway, it was a fun tournament, I was pretty disappointed since it was so terribly close... tied for fourth place and lost my tie breaker game by 2 points: 22-20. So close to making it to cities!! How can anyone be closer!!! So I complained to everyone I talked to and now I feel better haha. And I realized that it doesn't matter that much to me really, I didn't want to go to cities that much anyway (lol I'm not being sour grapes >.>). So it was a fun tournament and I learned a lot.

Today's artwork is by HeiSe. It's so pretty that it made me happy ^_^. How she managed to get that temple in the background I will never know =_=.

my first few CG artworks!

In light of those beautiful pictures by amazing artists, here are some sad attempts of me trying to reach their level... unsuccessfully. I made them small, just click to see a larger version.

Peace

Still experimenting with my journal page... it's a very difficult task for a computer illiterate person like me. While trying to figure out the page i ran across a collection of pictures I had stashed in my computer... They're very beautiful like the one I have here, makes me feel peaceful. Whoever did this drawing is a genius.

*Sigh* there's a couple of artists I really admire on the web right now. I'm leaning towards CG art more and more, it just looks so natural and beautiful. Makes me sad to think I'm still so far behind those artists... not to mention I'm computer illiterate... I completely don't understand how they can paste such intricate backgrounds from other pictures or make the effects, etc etc... I feel lost. People do compliment me, but in reality my art is nothing. There's such a big step I have to take, to reach their levels. I feel kind of scared and kind of like I'm losing hope of ever being that skilled. It's the same with music too. But all in all, the artwork is beautiful to enjoy. My two favorite artists are Kagaya, which is the artist of the picture here, and HeiSeJinYao, nicknamed Heise (chinese!! I'm so proud of you). I'll probably be uploading their pictures some more. They're just so nice!

BLARGH

My attempt to figure out how to use this blog isn't working very well... why can't i get a nice heading like other people's?? *angry*.... off to experiment some more