Tomodachi ~ friends

I've been surprised a lot lately by this subject. Maybe I thought too lowly of myself, and I never meant to push anyone away, but I really didn't think I meant anything to most people, much less that they would even take an interest in my life.

It had never occurred to me before to think that I was a cold person. I certainly hadn't thought so. I liked everyone I met except a few people, countable by fingers... so maybe that was why I thought that way. And it had never occurred to me that maybe I wasn't a trusting person, because I had thought I was.

Now that I think about it, I realize I've been really bogged down by loneliness for the past three years of high school, but I just never realized it. A while back, I started to get really upset because of this, and really feeling it hit. I knew there were many, many, many great and wonderful people around me, but I was never close to anyone, except probably Li. During that time, I still remember him saying, that really, I never gave anyone a chance to be close to me.

It wasn't like I was unaware of the nice things that people around me do for me. And I did notice when my friends were worried about me and cared about me. It was either that I didn't think I was important enough to anyone, or that I simply didn't want to be close to anyone. I don't really know which one it is.

When Jr. High ended, I really, really missed my little posse from back then. They had been my closest friends for those three years of my life, and still play a large role in my life even now. But now that I think back on it, I've never really opened up to them either. I can remember the countless times when they came to me when they were upset, and complained about their problems. But I can't remember a single time when I let them know anything about me or my personal life, except when they were involved. I think my closest friends from Jr. high was Zhang and Wong, but even then it was still the same. With Wong I had always played the big sister role. I had listened to her and given her advice, but I don't remember ever talking with her about any problems I had... and it didn't bother me. I enjoyed being the big sister and making her feel happier... but I still hadn't opened up to her. With Zhang, I talked more about things. I complained to her sometimes and talked with her lots, especially during sleepover. But when it came to my personal emotions, it was really, very difficult. I remember once when Yang had made me really upset, and when Zhang saw me I was crying very hard and it made her worried beyond words could express. I remember wanting to tell her everything I was feeling, but in the end I just couldn't. By the time I had calmed down and the whole thing was over, the only explanation I gave to her was in two short sentences without giving any hint of my emotions.

I feel very... sorry?... when I do this, and when I don't let those people who really really care about me know what is going on. I'm not sure why it's so hard either. I don't remember who said it (maybe Li again =_=) but maybe it's true that I'm just scared, because opening yourself to others is like standing before them naked and defenseless. But I'm starting to think that I should have. Now that highschool is almost over, I'm starting to feel like I missed out on a lot. A lot of good friends that I could have shared a closer bond with, who could have taken the weight off my shoulders and helped me carry my baggage.

I've gotten signs that people really do care, and it showed me that I wasn't that unimportant to them. It's made me feel a lot of gratitude towards all of these people, even though now it's a bit late, considering high school is almost over. I'm very surprised by it, that's for sure, and at the same time I'm very moved. And I'd really like to thank everyone because, even if I hadn't given you a chance to be there for me when I was down, I realize now that if I had let you, you would have stood by me and pulled me up. And I feel very happy and grateful just knowing that you would have.

And for that kid who's been unfortunate enough to have seen me mope and complain and bawl and be annoying in every other possible way... ... Thanks. I'd never have found high school as enjoyable as I do without you.


P.s. that person who inspired me and moved me to write this entry... You probably know who you are... thank you, and sorry, I wish I had spent more time to get to know such a caring and wonderful person.