Samishii

I'm really tired. Not physically, just emotionally. In fact I'm not even the slightest bit sleepy.
I was really ... I don't know. Needed to talk to someone. Looked for Li and Piao but they weren't on. Didn't want to call them. I ended up talking to HC... it's been a while since I talked to him about this kinda stuff. I just really needed someone.

HC's one of my best friends from a while ago, but we're very different. It was interesting, our conversation. His outlook is very different from mine. But I must say, I'm still as confused as ever.

Am I being too overly dramatic? I don't really know anything anymore. I'm unsure about my life... this relationship. I don't know if I can keep going. I've been trying really hard, God knows... I don't even know what I'm unsatisfied about anymore. Everything's blurry and confusing to me. Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what I want and what's missing, and exactly why I'm upset, but then the next moment I really don't know... just like now.

I know he cares for me, a lot. I don't know why it bothers me so much that every night we only barely talk before he falls asleep and leaves me on my own. I should be happy that we talk at all. I should be happy that he enjoys talking about his games to me. I should be happy that he calls me. But I'm not. What's wrong with me? I want too much? I'm expecting too much? Am I being too greedy?

I really don't want to make it seem like it's all his fault. But. Something is missing in this relationship. Something has gone. I don't know what it is. I don't feel like I matter to him. I know I do, but there is no proof of that... he doesn't show it. I'm no longer confident about my self, about him, about us. I don't think he understands, still. Maybe I don't understand me. But I'm really hurting inside right now. We don't talk anymore. He doesn't care when I'm upset. Even when he knows I'm crying and I really need him, he won't stay here for me. He'll just go to sleep anyway.

I'm really afraid of the sound of him hanging up the phone. Every time I hear it, it sounds so loud to me. It echoes everywhere, and I hate it. Am I being too stupid and sensitive and dependent? For expecting him to not fall asleep for me even though he's tired? But what if I really needed him by me? What's more important? I don't know.

One, two, three... how many months has it been like this? I've lost track of time. It started out small. Wasn't a big problem. I know I'm not always at the top of his priorities. But... I can't stand being at the bottom. Maybe I'm exaggerating.

It hurt every night. I found myself crying to sleep for consecutive... how many days now. I don't know what's wrong with me either. I'm not being dramatic. I have a very small request for happiness, and that is maybe one day he could just quietly be doing something for me, like singing a song or reading something... anything, and I could fall asleep before him. That's happiness for me. That's all I want. I don't expect much now... really.

It's hard for me to explain to him. I thought I had. I just want to talk to him, I want his attention, just a little bit. A week ago we had the biggest fight so far, about the same thing. But now we're back at square one. He's still calling me 10 minutes before he sleeps, and we have nothing to say on the phone. Even if I had something to say, he would respond in a way so that it's really hard to keep the conversation going. I really can't keep it going by myself. I try my best. It's not enough.

I tried to be strong for the longest time. Before I didn't even cry about it. Then I started to. Then regularly. I'd cry at night, then the next day be perfectly fine. But now I can't do even that. I just need to keep trying. Try to talk to him, say something interesting. I miss those times when we just lay on the bed and talked to each other, and did only that. Yesterday I waited 3 hours for him... but in the end... nothing. Today, he called at 11:30... nothing. I'm getting so tired. So worn out. I can't be strong forever either!

I don't know what I'm expecting anymore. I feel like some part of my is really close to cracking. I'm so close to giving up this relationship. But I don't want to. I still love him, and we've come so far. But I need to protect myself too. I'm not strong like people say, I'm really sensitive, and I know that's one of my biggest problems. I just hate showing it to people... I feel embarrased. I kind of want him to see this though. But... I'm scared. Scared that maybe he still won't understand. Scared that even if he reads this he won't care. I don't know. I don't know anything right now. Not me. Not him.

I'm still waiting for this cloud to pass. But right now, it's endless, and I am oh so tired.