1 Litre of Tears

It seems like I've gotten more comfortable with talking about stuff on my blog now... I'm really thankful for discovering this. I do actually feel a lot better after I write stuff. And I don't actually mind people reading it now, in fact it kind of makes me feel better that someone might be reading and trying to understand me. As long as I don't have to talk to them directly about it... haha.

My hands are a little shaky right now, kind of hard to type. 6:03 am in the morning, I didn't sleep again, and don't plan to, because last time I crawled into bed I fell asleep and was 2 hours late for school and got yelled at by Henderson.

I think I've got an affinity for sad japanese movies lately... and Japanese, because they seem to have a knack for making really really sad movies. And not the cheesy Korean ones that all have the same story line and everyone dies from leukemia.... etc etc. This one was actually an 11 episode drama... I decided to watch all of it. Actually the sky is really bright right now...

So it's about this girl who has a fatal and incurable disease that slowly takes away your ability to control your movements... so you slowly can't walk or talk, but you can still think perfectly rationally. Which is even more cruel than if the person had lost their thought process as well, because then they wouldn't feel so much pain as well. Anyway, I read some of the comments on the drama... and everyone says "OMG I'M SO SAD I'M CRYING BOOHOOHOO" and "OO I WISH I HAD A MOM LIKE THAT WHAT A LOVING FAMILY"... it kind of made me angry. Wher they really thinking when they wrote that?

I don't know whom they were crying for, but through most of the movie, the people I was crying for was the people around her. When something so terrible like that happens to someone, who is more hurt? The person being hurt or the person around them, watching them hurt? Who is it sadder for? Isn't it even more hurtful for the people who have to stand by and only observe, because there is nothing they can do? The main character is really admirable. Even though she had difficulties, this girl never gave up until she died. She is very strong, although she has weak moments. It's amazing to think that she and the entire movie is based off of real characters and a true story. I don't think I could do that... I really don't know how strong I am. It really is heart wrenching when I see a strong willed girl like her having weak moments and becoming scared. That's when I really feel like crying for her. As for the other times, when she has put up such an effort, I think it is better to smile for her, instead of like all those other people who sob about how it is so sad that she is going to die.

Anyway, their comments about their parents made me angry. I know kids are always complaining about how their parents don't understand them, but really they never tried to understand their parents either. Parents are people. And when they get older, the most important people to them are their children. If their child was going through the same thing, you can bet on it that they will be as loving as that "wonderful mom in the movie", however hard that may be to imagine. When they get older, their emotions are even more fragile than ours. But we never take time to consider this. We only think right now, we want to get away from them. We don't think about how sad it is when we refuse to talk to them, push them away, or tell them they are annoying. To be pushed away by the person they would give the world for, that is really... very sad.

We are going away to university now, and don't have much time left with them. I really just want to appreciate my parents for this little while. And I hope everyone does. Maybe one day we will really find out we don't have that much time left. Maybe we will wish that we had been a little kinder to them, and shown our love and appreciation a little more, instead of succumbing to that teenage ego and pride of ours.

Anyway... I'm done with my angry comment x_x. This other thing this movie did was to reconfirm why I chose not to be involved in medicine. The movie really depicted some very kind people. Like the doctors, who became doctors because they wholeheartedly wanted to help people. I suppose I'm more selfish... maybe I'm not that kind. To me, I feel that to be a doctor you need to have very good control of your emotions to not be involved with the patient, otherwise you'll get depressed. You have to be able to straight fowardly tell the people the terrible news. You have to face the burden of telling the patient themselves what they will be going through. And you must be able to not get emotionally involved. Being a doctor is depressing to me. I don't know if I could sacrifice myself for that kind of profession. They will have to deal with so many sad and hopeless cases. Perhaps I am just not a kind enough person, or perhaps I'm just scared of being easily attached to those patients... I don't know. All in all, that is something I would never choose.

This drama has really made me think about a lot. Appreciate everything while we have it. I really don't want to take anything for granted anymore. Life is really fragile, and we really don't have as much time as we think we do. Next time, when I'm about to explode at someone, maybe I'll remember this drama, and remember we don't have nearly enough time to appreciate everyone, so it really shouldn't be wasted on unpleasantness.

Time now... 6:31 am.