1 Litre of Tears

It seems like I've gotten more comfortable with talking about stuff on my blog now... I'm really thankful for discovering this. I do actually feel a lot better after I write stuff. And I don't actually mind people reading it now, in fact it kind of makes me feel better that someone might be reading and trying to understand me. As long as I don't have to talk to them directly about it... haha.

My hands are a little shaky right now, kind of hard to type. 6:03 am in the morning, I didn't sleep again, and don't plan to, because last time I crawled into bed I fell asleep and was 2 hours late for school and got yelled at by Henderson.

I think I've got an affinity for sad japanese movies lately... and Japanese, because they seem to have a knack for making really really sad movies. And not the cheesy Korean ones that all have the same story line and everyone dies from leukemia.... etc etc. This one was actually an 11 episode drama... I decided to watch all of it. Actually the sky is really bright right now...

So it's about this girl who has a fatal and incurable disease that slowly takes away your ability to control your movements... so you slowly can't walk or talk, but you can still think perfectly rationally. Which is even more cruel than if the person had lost their thought process as well, because then they wouldn't feel so much pain as well. Anyway, I read some of the comments on the drama... and everyone says "OMG I'M SO SAD I'M CRYING BOOHOOHOO" and "OO I WISH I HAD A MOM LIKE THAT WHAT A LOVING FAMILY"... it kind of made me angry. Wher they really thinking when they wrote that?

I don't know whom they were crying for, but through most of the movie, the people I was crying for was the people around her. When something so terrible like that happens to someone, who is more hurt? The person being hurt or the person around them, watching them hurt? Who is it sadder for? Isn't it even more hurtful for the people who have to stand by and only observe, because there is nothing they can do? The main character is really admirable. Even though she had difficulties, this girl never gave up until she died. She is very strong, although she has weak moments. It's amazing to think that she and the entire movie is based off of real characters and a true story. I don't think I could do that... I really don't know how strong I am. It really is heart wrenching when I see a strong willed girl like her having weak moments and becoming scared. That's when I really feel like crying for her. As for the other times, when she has put up such an effort, I think it is better to smile for her, instead of like all those other people who sob about how it is so sad that she is going to die.

Anyway, their comments about their parents made me angry. I know kids are always complaining about how their parents don't understand them, but really they never tried to understand their parents either. Parents are people. And when they get older, the most important people to them are their children. If their child was going through the same thing, you can bet on it that they will be as loving as that "wonderful mom in the movie", however hard that may be to imagine. When they get older, their emotions are even more fragile than ours. But we never take time to consider this. We only think right now, we want to get away from them. We don't think about how sad it is when we refuse to talk to them, push them away, or tell them they are annoying. To be pushed away by the person they would give the world for, that is really... very sad.

We are going away to university now, and don't have much time left with them. I really just want to appreciate my parents for this little while. And I hope everyone does. Maybe one day we will really find out we don't have that much time left. Maybe we will wish that we had been a little kinder to them, and shown our love and appreciation a little more, instead of succumbing to that teenage ego and pride of ours.

Anyway... I'm done with my angry comment x_x. This other thing this movie did was to reconfirm why I chose not to be involved in medicine. The movie really depicted some very kind people. Like the doctors, who became doctors because they wholeheartedly wanted to help people. I suppose I'm more selfish... maybe I'm not that kind. To me, I feel that to be a doctor you need to have very good control of your emotions to not be involved with the patient, otherwise you'll get depressed. You have to be able to straight fowardly tell the people the terrible news. You have to face the burden of telling the patient themselves what they will be going through. And you must be able to not get emotionally involved. Being a doctor is depressing to me. I don't know if I could sacrifice myself for that kind of profession. They will have to deal with so many sad and hopeless cases. Perhaps I am just not a kind enough person, or perhaps I'm just scared of being easily attached to those patients... I don't know. All in all, that is something I would never choose.

This drama has really made me think about a lot. Appreciate everything while we have it. I really don't want to take anything for granted anymore. Life is really fragile, and we really don't have as much time as we think we do. Next time, when I'm about to explode at someone, maybe I'll remember this drama, and remember we don't have nearly enough time to appreciate everyone, so it really shouldn't be wasted on unpleasantness.

Time now... 6:31 am.

Tomodachi ~ friends

I've been surprised a lot lately by this subject. Maybe I thought too lowly of myself, and I never meant to push anyone away, but I really didn't think I meant anything to most people, much less that they would even take an interest in my life.

It had never occurred to me before to think that I was a cold person. I certainly hadn't thought so. I liked everyone I met except a few people, countable by fingers... so maybe that was why I thought that way. And it had never occurred to me that maybe I wasn't a trusting person, because I had thought I was.

Now that I think about it, I realize I've been really bogged down by loneliness for the past three years of high school, but I just never realized it. A while back, I started to get really upset because of this, and really feeling it hit. I knew there were many, many, many great and wonderful people around me, but I was never close to anyone, except probably Li. During that time, I still remember him saying, that really, I never gave anyone a chance to be close to me.

It wasn't like I was unaware of the nice things that people around me do for me. And I did notice when my friends were worried about me and cared about me. It was either that I didn't think I was important enough to anyone, or that I simply didn't want to be close to anyone. I don't really know which one it is.

When Jr. High ended, I really, really missed my little posse from back then. They had been my closest friends for those three years of my life, and still play a large role in my life even now. But now that I think back on it, I've never really opened up to them either. I can remember the countless times when they came to me when they were upset, and complained about their problems. But I can't remember a single time when I let them know anything about me or my personal life, except when they were involved. I think my closest friends from Jr. high was Zhang and Wong, but even then it was still the same. With Wong I had always played the big sister role. I had listened to her and given her advice, but I don't remember ever talking with her about any problems I had... and it didn't bother me. I enjoyed being the big sister and making her feel happier... but I still hadn't opened up to her. With Zhang, I talked more about things. I complained to her sometimes and talked with her lots, especially during sleepover. But when it came to my personal emotions, it was really, very difficult. I remember once when Yang had made me really upset, and when Zhang saw me I was crying very hard and it made her worried beyond words could express. I remember wanting to tell her everything I was feeling, but in the end I just couldn't. By the time I had calmed down and the whole thing was over, the only explanation I gave to her was in two short sentences without giving any hint of my emotions.

I feel very... sorry?... when I do this, and when I don't let those people who really really care about me know what is going on. I'm not sure why it's so hard either. I don't remember who said it (maybe Li again =_=) but maybe it's true that I'm just scared, because opening yourself to others is like standing before them naked and defenseless. But I'm starting to think that I should have. Now that highschool is almost over, I'm starting to feel like I missed out on a lot. A lot of good friends that I could have shared a closer bond with, who could have taken the weight off my shoulders and helped me carry my baggage.

I've gotten signs that people really do care, and it showed me that I wasn't that unimportant to them. It's made me feel a lot of gratitude towards all of these people, even though now it's a bit late, considering high school is almost over. I'm very surprised by it, that's for sure, and at the same time I'm very moved. And I'd really like to thank everyone because, even if I hadn't given you a chance to be there for me when I was down, I realize now that if I had let you, you would have stood by me and pulled me up. And I feel very happy and grateful just knowing that you would have.

And for that kid who's been unfortunate enough to have seen me mope and complain and bawl and be annoying in every other possible way... ... Thanks. I'd never have found high school as enjoyable as I do without you.


P.s. that person who inspired me and moved me to write this entry... You probably know who you are... thank you, and sorry, I wish I had spent more time to get to know such a caring and wonderful person.

Koizora

5:35 AM. Didn't sleep tonight.

The sky is bright outside already, when I finally turned around to look. I don't think I wasted my sleep for nothing.

Koizora, a Japanese 3 hour long movie. It means Sky of Love. It's the sweetest and saddest movie I have ever watched. It's about a boy and girl in high school, through their happiness and trials, parting and reunion... the most romantic movie any romantic could ever hope to watch.

It's such a sad movie, and I think I needed that tonight. I cried numerous times watching it, in the end I wasn't sure if I was crying for them or for myself. But, I feel better now. I feel at peace. Although I'm still confused, I want to keep looking up. Keep being hopeful. Keep working hard. I have my friends around me for support. And I still have him. I'm still loved.

Samishii

I'm really tired. Not physically, just emotionally. In fact I'm not even the slightest bit sleepy.
I was really ... I don't know. Needed to talk to someone. Looked for Li and Piao but they weren't on. Didn't want to call them. I ended up talking to HC... it's been a while since I talked to him about this kinda stuff. I just really needed someone.

HC's one of my best friends from a while ago, but we're very different. It was interesting, our conversation. His outlook is very different from mine. But I must say, I'm still as confused as ever.

Am I being too overly dramatic? I don't really know anything anymore. I'm unsure about my life... this relationship. I don't know if I can keep going. I've been trying really hard, God knows... I don't even know what I'm unsatisfied about anymore. Everything's blurry and confusing to me. Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what I want and what's missing, and exactly why I'm upset, but then the next moment I really don't know... just like now.

I know he cares for me, a lot. I don't know why it bothers me so much that every night we only barely talk before he falls asleep and leaves me on my own. I should be happy that we talk at all. I should be happy that he enjoys talking about his games to me. I should be happy that he calls me. But I'm not. What's wrong with me? I want too much? I'm expecting too much? Am I being too greedy?

I really don't want to make it seem like it's all his fault. But. Something is missing in this relationship. Something has gone. I don't know what it is. I don't feel like I matter to him. I know I do, but there is no proof of that... he doesn't show it. I'm no longer confident about my self, about him, about us. I don't think he understands, still. Maybe I don't understand me. But I'm really hurting inside right now. We don't talk anymore. He doesn't care when I'm upset. Even when he knows I'm crying and I really need him, he won't stay here for me. He'll just go to sleep anyway.

I'm really afraid of the sound of him hanging up the phone. Every time I hear it, it sounds so loud to me. It echoes everywhere, and I hate it. Am I being too stupid and sensitive and dependent? For expecting him to not fall asleep for me even though he's tired? But what if I really needed him by me? What's more important? I don't know.

One, two, three... how many months has it been like this? I've lost track of time. It started out small. Wasn't a big problem. I know I'm not always at the top of his priorities. But... I can't stand being at the bottom. Maybe I'm exaggerating.

It hurt every night. I found myself crying to sleep for consecutive... how many days now. I don't know what's wrong with me either. I'm not being dramatic. I have a very small request for happiness, and that is maybe one day he could just quietly be doing something for me, like singing a song or reading something... anything, and I could fall asleep before him. That's happiness for me. That's all I want. I don't expect much now... really.

It's hard for me to explain to him. I thought I had. I just want to talk to him, I want his attention, just a little bit. A week ago we had the biggest fight so far, about the same thing. But now we're back at square one. He's still calling me 10 minutes before he sleeps, and we have nothing to say on the phone. Even if I had something to say, he would respond in a way so that it's really hard to keep the conversation going. I really can't keep it going by myself. I try my best. It's not enough.

I tried to be strong for the longest time. Before I didn't even cry about it. Then I started to. Then regularly. I'd cry at night, then the next day be perfectly fine. But now I can't do even that. I just need to keep trying. Try to talk to him, say something interesting. I miss those times when we just lay on the bed and talked to each other, and did only that. Yesterday I waited 3 hours for him... but in the end... nothing. Today, he called at 11:30... nothing. I'm getting so tired. So worn out. I can't be strong forever either!

I don't know what I'm expecting anymore. I feel like some part of my is really close to cracking. I'm so close to giving up this relationship. But I don't want to. I still love him, and we've come so far. But I need to protect myself too. I'm not strong like people say, I'm really sensitive, and I know that's one of my biggest problems. I just hate showing it to people... I feel embarrased. I kind of want him to see this though. But... I'm scared. Scared that maybe he still won't understand. Scared that even if he reads this he won't care. I don't know. I don't know anything right now. Not me. Not him.

I'm still waiting for this cloud to pass. But right now, it's endless, and I am oh so tired.