year end

Wow...
from the beginning of the year till the end of the year, i must have skipped about 10 months for this blog..
i guess looking back, university wasnt that much of a shock to me. i guess i just adjust very fast compared to many people. i've met some friends who couldnt cope with university and had to miss a couple weeks of school because they werent used to it O_O...
its been quite a stressing year, especially considering IVEY, stupid business school. i swear they were formed to con students for money. everytime they set up events that are about 100$ to go to, and if you dont then you fail in life... haha
but im not saying it was all normal, there were some pretty big changes. for one thing im not getting along with someone at all, for about the first time in my life. everytime i see her i get angry and frusterated, so i try to avoid being in the same room as them. its very strange and unique... i guess... but i dont think this would happen again with anyone else.
otherwise its been pretty fun, but bland. i feel like i really miss something. i feel like im missing the art that i used to do, the music i used to play, and lately i keep thinking about how nice it would be to be outside when its the evening and its dark, and warm, and you could just sit down and look at the stars, like how it was in china. im excited to go back. im thinking about being back in calgary, maybe visiting the highschool again, making fun of those little highschool kids... =)... or just walking around with people doing nothing, maybe eating icecream, maybe chasing ducks around =P, maybe watching a funny movie or humming songs together.
its all those things you get to do when you're little and you're carefree and you're naive, where you dont have to worry about stupid things that grownups have to worry about, about what to do to be successful, how to make money, wat to do for the future
i think i missed out on wat its like to be a kid. i dont think i ever appreciated it enough, about being a kid and playing around. growing up is kind of frightening.
the other thing thats been bothering me is my parents. this year, being away from them, i think i've started to worry about them alot more, about how they're feeling, if they're lonely. it makes me really upset to think about this, and about how they're aging... reminds me of how cruel time is. wouldnt it be great if time just stopped moving and we could all live as it is now forever?
im excited to be back in calgary. miss the "good old days"... haha... i guess we all do a little.

Contact

friends friends friends... the biggest issue of my life right now. Whether it's meeting new people and trying to find enough time to hang out with them, or trying to settle down a spat between my two good friends, or just having problems with my old friends myself... it's been way too tiring than it should have been. I guess the one thing I'm most concerned about is my friends drifting away. I realize that university mean a chance to start over for some people, but I'm not one of them, I never wanted to start over, and I really, perhaps naively, expected to keep the friendships that I had all through university.

I don't even know who bothers reading this post, but it makes me feel better if I just pretend people do. But if you know me a little bit, then I guess you probably know as well that I was someone who hardly formed any deep relationships with anyone in highschool. Just 2 or 3 friends, nothing like the way I used to be in jr.high. But just these 2-3 relationships, i thought, were so, so deep. Maybe i overestimated the bonds I had formed with people. in my stupid little, innocent, clueless brain, I was imagining that these friendships would last till the day i died.

It's true, some of my friends have tried to keep in touch, and its very heartwarming, I feel really happy. whether its just making fun of Kwan over msn together with Hirata or something stupid like that, I still feel this overwhelming happiness. I'd randomly go leave a "i love u"! msg on their msn when they were offline.

But there are people who wanted to throw this all away. I never really knew why, in my mind everyone was happy in highschool, I thought my friend would really treasure this friendship forever, i thought that maybe this friend would think about me all the time or atleast as often as i think about them. But now it just seems like I'm the only one who still cares. I'm the one who reads through their blogs to try and catch up with them, who tries to hunt them down on msn to talk to them. I'm the only one who's frusterated with our lack of communication. I know theres other things going on in their life, things like... meeting the love of their lives, struggling for university, etc etc... But atleast don't toss us aside like that. We're old friends through highschool. We're the velvetine rabbits. We were there for eachother when needed to be and we will be even if theres miles of distances between us.

I just really miss you guys... and sometimes it's really sad for me when I realize that some friends might not really care. T_T

Life's difficult isn't it? haha..

Tired

So tired..... I have never had a more tiring summer in all my life. For the past month it's been nothing but busy busy busy... I'm feeling kind of bad becuse I really wanted to spend a lot of time with friends. Everyone's schedule is just so different, I keep getting all confused about who's leaving now and who's coming back, who's free on this day and that. Just another week left until the 14. After that, I swear I'll hang out with friends everyday =_=. The big event in my life..... the concert! is tomorrow!!! I can't begin to explain how anxious I am right now. Not to mention tonights concert that I played wasn't that much of an ego booster. I've never played such a horrible concert in my life =___=.... lol... the piano was out of tune and had missing keys, I had to sit on a bench with two cushions because the chair was too small, and then I proceeded to forget a large section of every song I played... which was like.. 7?
I'm really looking forward to everything being over with. I know I haven't done a lot of my friends justice... always missing out on things... but just another week!!! have to pull through.

Looking at my friend's websites and talking to various people makes me feel kind of sad now. It's kind of like we're still here together right now, it's really impossible for me to accept that within a few weeks, everything will change. I really don't want to part with some of my friends, and more over, I really don't want to be forgotten by them. I find myself searching through people's blogs just to see if they mentioned my name, just to confirm to myself that my friends still think of me. =_=""" It's really silly of me and I realize that... but I'm a person who needs to see proof to believe. When I do find something about me in other people's writings, I find myself smiling, just cause I felt that I was somehow important to that person for atleast a short while.

A lot of people I know are going to Ontario with me, it makes me feel better cause it seems like we haven't parted completely yet. I really want to get together over there some time..... don't know how thats going to work.... really worried, but really want to...

Sorry for leaving everybody, it was really great being with you, I'll miss everyone for sure!! *tear*

summer.......

Wow... summer's here... It's been so long since I wrote in this blog. I was expecting a relaxing summer, but now I'm more stressed than I have been during school and IB =_=. On that note, IB is super super hard this year!! I was so crushed when I saw that most of my IB marks were so low! T________T But then I have my highschool marks, so it wasn't that bad...

1 Litre of Tears

It seems like I've gotten more comfortable with talking about stuff on my blog now... I'm really thankful for discovering this. I do actually feel a lot better after I write stuff. And I don't actually mind people reading it now, in fact it kind of makes me feel better that someone might be reading and trying to understand me. As long as I don't have to talk to them directly about it... haha.

My hands are a little shaky right now, kind of hard to type. 6:03 am in the morning, I didn't sleep again, and don't plan to, because last time I crawled into bed I fell asleep and was 2 hours late for school and got yelled at by Henderson.

I think I've got an affinity for sad japanese movies lately... and Japanese, because they seem to have a knack for making really really sad movies. And not the cheesy Korean ones that all have the same story line and everyone dies from leukemia.... etc etc. This one was actually an 11 episode drama... I decided to watch all of it. Actually the sky is really bright right now...

So it's about this girl who has a fatal and incurable disease that slowly takes away your ability to control your movements... so you slowly can't walk or talk, but you can still think perfectly rationally. Which is even more cruel than if the person had lost their thought process as well, because then they wouldn't feel so much pain as well. Anyway, I read some of the comments on the drama... and everyone says "OMG I'M SO SAD I'M CRYING BOOHOOHOO" and "OO I WISH I HAD A MOM LIKE THAT WHAT A LOVING FAMILY"... it kind of made me angry. Wher they really thinking when they wrote that?

I don't know whom they were crying for, but through most of the movie, the people I was crying for was the people around her. When something so terrible like that happens to someone, who is more hurt? The person being hurt or the person around them, watching them hurt? Who is it sadder for? Isn't it even more hurtful for the people who have to stand by and only observe, because there is nothing they can do? The main character is really admirable. Even though she had difficulties, this girl never gave up until she died. She is very strong, although she has weak moments. It's amazing to think that she and the entire movie is based off of real characters and a true story. I don't think I could do that... I really don't know how strong I am. It really is heart wrenching when I see a strong willed girl like her having weak moments and becoming scared. That's when I really feel like crying for her. As for the other times, when she has put up such an effort, I think it is better to smile for her, instead of like all those other people who sob about how it is so sad that she is going to die.

Anyway, their comments about their parents made me angry. I know kids are always complaining about how their parents don't understand them, but really they never tried to understand their parents either. Parents are people. And when they get older, the most important people to them are their children. If their child was going through the same thing, you can bet on it that they will be as loving as that "wonderful mom in the movie", however hard that may be to imagine. When they get older, their emotions are even more fragile than ours. But we never take time to consider this. We only think right now, we want to get away from them. We don't think about how sad it is when we refuse to talk to them, push them away, or tell them they are annoying. To be pushed away by the person they would give the world for, that is really... very sad.

We are going away to university now, and don't have much time left with them. I really just want to appreciate my parents for this little while. And I hope everyone does. Maybe one day we will really find out we don't have that much time left. Maybe we will wish that we had been a little kinder to them, and shown our love and appreciation a little more, instead of succumbing to that teenage ego and pride of ours.

Anyway... I'm done with my angry comment x_x. This other thing this movie did was to reconfirm why I chose not to be involved in medicine. The movie really depicted some very kind people. Like the doctors, who became doctors because they wholeheartedly wanted to help people. I suppose I'm more selfish... maybe I'm not that kind. To me, I feel that to be a doctor you need to have very good control of your emotions to not be involved with the patient, otherwise you'll get depressed. You have to be able to straight fowardly tell the people the terrible news. You have to face the burden of telling the patient themselves what they will be going through. And you must be able to not get emotionally involved. Being a doctor is depressing to me. I don't know if I could sacrifice myself for that kind of profession. They will have to deal with so many sad and hopeless cases. Perhaps I am just not a kind enough person, or perhaps I'm just scared of being easily attached to those patients... I don't know. All in all, that is something I would never choose.

This drama has really made me think about a lot. Appreciate everything while we have it. I really don't want to take anything for granted anymore. Life is really fragile, and we really don't have as much time as we think we do. Next time, when I'm about to explode at someone, maybe I'll remember this drama, and remember we don't have nearly enough time to appreciate everyone, so it really shouldn't be wasted on unpleasantness.

Time now... 6:31 am.

Tomodachi ~ friends

I've been surprised a lot lately by this subject. Maybe I thought too lowly of myself, and I never meant to push anyone away, but I really didn't think I meant anything to most people, much less that they would even take an interest in my life.

It had never occurred to me before to think that I was a cold person. I certainly hadn't thought so. I liked everyone I met except a few people, countable by fingers... so maybe that was why I thought that way. And it had never occurred to me that maybe I wasn't a trusting person, because I had thought I was.

Now that I think about it, I realize I've been really bogged down by loneliness for the past three years of high school, but I just never realized it. A while back, I started to get really upset because of this, and really feeling it hit. I knew there were many, many, many great and wonderful people around me, but I was never close to anyone, except probably Li. During that time, I still remember him saying, that really, I never gave anyone a chance to be close to me.

It wasn't like I was unaware of the nice things that people around me do for me. And I did notice when my friends were worried about me and cared about me. It was either that I didn't think I was important enough to anyone, or that I simply didn't want to be close to anyone. I don't really know which one it is.

When Jr. High ended, I really, really missed my little posse from back then. They had been my closest friends for those three years of my life, and still play a large role in my life even now. But now that I think back on it, I've never really opened up to them either. I can remember the countless times when they came to me when they were upset, and complained about their problems. But I can't remember a single time when I let them know anything about me or my personal life, except when they were involved. I think my closest friends from Jr. high was Zhang and Wong, but even then it was still the same. With Wong I had always played the big sister role. I had listened to her and given her advice, but I don't remember ever talking with her about any problems I had... and it didn't bother me. I enjoyed being the big sister and making her feel happier... but I still hadn't opened up to her. With Zhang, I talked more about things. I complained to her sometimes and talked with her lots, especially during sleepover. But when it came to my personal emotions, it was really, very difficult. I remember once when Yang had made me really upset, and when Zhang saw me I was crying very hard and it made her worried beyond words could express. I remember wanting to tell her everything I was feeling, but in the end I just couldn't. By the time I had calmed down and the whole thing was over, the only explanation I gave to her was in two short sentences without giving any hint of my emotions.

I feel very... sorry?... when I do this, and when I don't let those people who really really care about me know what is going on. I'm not sure why it's so hard either. I don't remember who said it (maybe Li again =_=) but maybe it's true that I'm just scared, because opening yourself to others is like standing before them naked and defenseless. But I'm starting to think that I should have. Now that highschool is almost over, I'm starting to feel like I missed out on a lot. A lot of good friends that I could have shared a closer bond with, who could have taken the weight off my shoulders and helped me carry my baggage.

I've gotten signs that people really do care, and it showed me that I wasn't that unimportant to them. It's made me feel a lot of gratitude towards all of these people, even though now it's a bit late, considering high school is almost over. I'm very surprised by it, that's for sure, and at the same time I'm very moved. And I'd really like to thank everyone because, even if I hadn't given you a chance to be there for me when I was down, I realize now that if I had let you, you would have stood by me and pulled me up. And I feel very happy and grateful just knowing that you would have.

And for that kid who's been unfortunate enough to have seen me mope and complain and bawl and be annoying in every other possible way... ... Thanks. I'd never have found high school as enjoyable as I do without you.


P.s. that person who inspired me and moved me to write this entry... You probably know who you are... thank you, and sorry, I wish I had spent more time to get to know such a caring and wonderful person.

Koizora

5:35 AM. Didn't sleep tonight.

The sky is bright outside already, when I finally turned around to look. I don't think I wasted my sleep for nothing.

Koizora, a Japanese 3 hour long movie. It means Sky of Love. It's the sweetest and saddest movie I have ever watched. It's about a boy and girl in high school, through their happiness and trials, parting and reunion... the most romantic movie any romantic could ever hope to watch.

It's such a sad movie, and I think I needed that tonight. I cried numerous times watching it, in the end I wasn't sure if I was crying for them or for myself. But, I feel better now. I feel at peace. Although I'm still confused, I want to keep looking up. Keep being hopeful. Keep working hard. I have my friends around me for support. And I still have him. I'm still loved.