Samishii

I'm really tired. Not physically, just emotionally. In fact I'm not even the slightest bit sleepy.
I was really ... I don't know. Needed to talk to someone. Looked for Li and Piao but they weren't on. Didn't want to call them. I ended up talking to HC... it's been a while since I talked to him about this kinda stuff. I just really needed someone.

HC's one of my best friends from a while ago, but we're very different. It was interesting, our conversation. His outlook is very different from mine. But I must say, I'm still as confused as ever.

Am I being too overly dramatic? I don't really know anything anymore. I'm unsure about my life... this relationship. I don't know if I can keep going. I've been trying really hard, God knows... I don't even know what I'm unsatisfied about anymore. Everything's blurry and confusing to me. Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what I want and what's missing, and exactly why I'm upset, but then the next moment I really don't know... just like now.

I know he cares for me, a lot. I don't know why it bothers me so much that every night we only barely talk before he falls asleep and leaves me on my own. I should be happy that we talk at all. I should be happy that he enjoys talking about his games to me. I should be happy that he calls me. But I'm not. What's wrong with me? I want too much? I'm expecting too much? Am I being too greedy?

I really don't want to make it seem like it's all his fault. But. Something is missing in this relationship. Something has gone. I don't know what it is. I don't feel like I matter to him. I know I do, but there is no proof of that... he doesn't show it. I'm no longer confident about my self, about him, about us. I don't think he understands, still. Maybe I don't understand me. But I'm really hurting inside right now. We don't talk anymore. He doesn't care when I'm upset. Even when he knows I'm crying and I really need him, he won't stay here for me. He'll just go to sleep anyway.

I'm really afraid of the sound of him hanging up the phone. Every time I hear it, it sounds so loud to me. It echoes everywhere, and I hate it. Am I being too stupid and sensitive and dependent? For expecting him to not fall asleep for me even though he's tired? But what if I really needed him by me? What's more important? I don't know.

One, two, three... how many months has it been like this? I've lost track of time. It started out small. Wasn't a big problem. I know I'm not always at the top of his priorities. But... I can't stand being at the bottom. Maybe I'm exaggerating.

It hurt every night. I found myself crying to sleep for consecutive... how many days now. I don't know what's wrong with me either. I'm not being dramatic. I have a very small request for happiness, and that is maybe one day he could just quietly be doing something for me, like singing a song or reading something... anything, and I could fall asleep before him. That's happiness for me. That's all I want. I don't expect much now... really.

It's hard for me to explain to him. I thought I had. I just want to talk to him, I want his attention, just a little bit. A week ago we had the biggest fight so far, about the same thing. But now we're back at square one. He's still calling me 10 minutes before he sleeps, and we have nothing to say on the phone. Even if I had something to say, he would respond in a way so that it's really hard to keep the conversation going. I really can't keep it going by myself. I try my best. It's not enough.

I tried to be strong for the longest time. Before I didn't even cry about it. Then I started to. Then regularly. I'd cry at night, then the next day be perfectly fine. But now I can't do even that. I just need to keep trying. Try to talk to him, say something interesting. I miss those times when we just lay on the bed and talked to each other, and did only that. Yesterday I waited 3 hours for him... but in the end... nothing. Today, he called at 11:30... nothing. I'm getting so tired. So worn out. I can't be strong forever either!

I don't know what I'm expecting anymore. I feel like some part of my is really close to cracking. I'm so close to giving up this relationship. But I don't want to. I still love him, and we've come so far. But I need to protect myself too. I'm not strong like people say, I'm really sensitive, and I know that's one of my biggest problems. I just hate showing it to people... I feel embarrased. I kind of want him to see this though. But... I'm scared. Scared that maybe he still won't understand. Scared that even if he reads this he won't care. I don't know. I don't know anything right now. Not me. Not him.

I'm still waiting for this cloud to pass. But right now, it's endless, and I am oh so tired.

Graduation

Yesterday was the graduation ceremony and banquet.. the only one I'll have in my life O_O. For some reason though I wasn't too excited about it, during or after. It was really fun to see everyone in their gowns though. The teachers' gowns were so funny! They looked like this death eaters from Harry Potter... I was so tempted to pull my homeroom teacher's hood over his head.

We picked up Frank after the ceremony in the morning, and then we went to eat Pho, where they gave us this GIGANTIC portion, and I ate more than all of them XD. I feel very proud of myself. I really wanted to spend more time with my friends though... we had things to do. We'll hang out together next time for sure!

So then we went to the banquet in the evening. It was pretty cool, although I wish they gave us something better for dinner. My parents didn't like it T_T I was sad... maybe I shouldn't have invited them, they don't really get excited or appreciate this grad stuff, being the asians they are haha. One of the things I was disappointed with is that I couldn't sit with Ashley or Jak or Jason or Dan. It would have made the night a lot more fun. *disappointed* We need bigger tables.

The fireworks in the middle of the banquet was pretty awsome XD. I think I almost had a heart attack though, but it was very exciting........ O_______O haha. I'm amazed they're allowed to do that.. what about the really old people!! O_O won't they get sick or something?

Anyway... Frank was starting to be really gloomy after the banquet, and I got kind of upset. He kept wandering off without me or just sitting there and not talking to me, which was really awkward. Then I got really frusterated and tried to talk to him, and he said the reason why he was there is just to look like a companion for me... well........ not really! I really wanted to spend a fun evening together with him, not just for him to be a statue beside me =_=. Anyway so some other things were said, and I really didn't want to listen anymore so I just wandered off somewhere on my own... got a cup of coffee, except it was 1:5 coffee to milk ratio... and I couldn't see what I was doing anymore cause my vision was all blurry... and I really wanted Frank to come after me or something but he didn't.... I somehow made my way and found a couple of friends. It was really hard too, cause I had to keep bending my head down. I really hate it when people can actually see my face when I cry. Anyway, this is a good reason for girls not to wear makeup, just incase they start crying and smudging their makeup all over the place.... O_O. So I was lucky I didn't have any.

It was strange though, because when I saw my friends at first it was okay, but when they asked if something was wrong I suddenly felt it to be very hard to control myself O_O and I suddenly really really wanted to cry, and I didn't want them to see, so I ran away. But being the good friends they are, they came after me and hugged me and stuff....... ><><. Anyway, that made me feel alot better. Everyone just gathered around me and gave me hugs ><. Wahhhh.................... thank you so much my friends ><... XD....

So, I found out later that Li (Li, I'm stealing you method of mentioning people now because it's less exposing?? XD) actually went and talked to Yang... and Yang kept talking about how great a friend I had made... I really think so too XD. I'm sorry for ruining your suit Li... i think O_O I hope it's alright.

Anyway, I'm just bursting with emotions right now whenever I think about it. It makes me so unspeakably happy, actually, to know that I have friends like these. XD. Yang was also very sweet after, although not right after, cause even after Li talked to him he still asked me if I wanted to break up......... I must say that was quite a blow... anyway but he did in the end step forward to apologize and did everything he could to make the rest of my night better, and as usual his apology was realy sweet and sincere. It was alright. I was alright.

So we went to Bonny's house after... Piao decided to try to get wasted... that was pretty funny LOL. We sang english songs even though i still can't sing after being so violently sick haha, and played board games ( I was really enthusiatic about that hahaa.... what was it called again? concentration or sumthing? when you move the pieces around and send other pieces into their home base when you land on the same place as them...) It was hilarious cause we kept cursing Yang to lose and I was absolutely ecstatic when he lost.... picking on him feels good hahaha. Then we played MahJong... err then I slept... or tried, and got my arm killed because Yang was sleeping on it and I had the pins and needles thing so I kept trying to hit him to wake him up =_= but it didn't work, and he breathes really loudly when he sleeps..... looooooool..... restless night.

I had fun looking at pictures with my family today. I'll really miss everyone when September comes around. I'm excited and can't wait to be there but... kind of don't want to part with everyone either.

I did write a grad song a while ago, but I never got around to putting it up. I'll post the lyrics here.

I'll remember you
when we all go our separate way
severy minute
every second that we struggled through together
I'll remember you
when we are looking back at now
And I'll remember every face that ever made me smile
and though the days will fly and all will be a memory
your color will forever be with mef
orever be a part of me

and i will smile as I remember all those moments that we shared
all those times you stood by me
and all those times you showed you cared
We have grown our wings prepared to fly and now is our time
to say goodbye
And i'll remember you

Good bye

boo....

I'm sad. I think my friend is mad at me but I don't know why. Today was cities for badminton tournaments and we both went to watch. He was sick so I was worried, and I told him to go home. And then he stopped talking to me and told me to piss off T__T. *really depressed*. I guess I'll talk to him tomorrow... I'm really scared though, I hate conflicts... hate being misunderstood... but what can you do...

Frank did well today, although he lost both his games. They were good games and I was proud of him. But I guess he felt worse and worse after the game so he was pretty unhappy when we left too... and yelled at me on the c-train *sniff*. But Ivy did well, she got to zones even with asthma. I'm incredibly happy for her. She got interviewed by Calgary Herald too! Look for her picture in the newspaper everyone lol. Too bad my day wasn't great lol... recently something bad always seems to happen everyday. Or maybe I'm just in another state of depression.

Someday things will start looking up. I'm going to be Ivy's official Godsis one day, after she turns 18. It'll be fun ^^.

This picture is by Kagaya by the way.

Jade

This is the ... 4th? time i tried to do a more realistic person... this one turned out very well! I'm very happy with the colros and her face... particularly hands! That took forever to do.

Today was an okay day... I skipped badminton because of the crazy snow, and because I got sick again.. for the 5th time in a month. I kicked off my blanket last night so i woke up from freezing... and by that time I was already sick... SIGH...

I'm so dizzy right now I don't want to go anywhere... but I have work tomorrow. Why does life have to be so cruel! *sniff*

CG art work! ><

Today completely went downhill after Chem class. Had a huge spat with Frank, people actually rolled down their windows because they thought he was going to hit me or something, which he would never do. It was actually quite funny. I ended up being a water fountain again, not that it's not a common occurance lately. I'm a water fountain for approximately 3 out of 7 days now, and it's actually pretty tiring, especially after it goes on for 3 months. Apparently being a water fountain isn't relieving my stress the way it's supposed to.

Anyway... yay! This is one of the more recent pictures I did on computer... photoshop. Photoshop is heaven, seriously. I'm quite happy with the improvements in the picture from the earlier pictures I did, through copying styles from HeiSe (lol). I've just realized that most artists use a model when they draw, which makes it much easier when designing something... but unfortunately I don't have such a thing so my memory will have to make do. I'm happy with his facial proportions although the shading makes him look incredibly funny... *tear*... but I'll learn... slowly... eventually......

There's two copies of the same picture in different colors... I was experimenting with colors. It's interesting to note how they affect the picture so much. I personally prefer the blue one.

Boohoo.. my first badminton play off

Today I played my first badminton play off tournament ever! It was very sad and disappointing, but very educational. I learned that I have absolutely no stamina compared to other people. But I did discover some really good hits, which made me happy... though I was too tired to use them by the end. There are some pretty amazing people at the tournament... I lost 5 out of 7 games *cries*. But my 21-5 score was my pride and joy heh. Anyway, it was a fun tournament, I was pretty disappointed since it was so terribly close... tied for fourth place and lost my tie breaker game by 2 points: 22-20. So close to making it to cities!! How can anyone be closer!!! So I complained to everyone I talked to and now I feel better haha. And I realized that it doesn't matter that much to me really, I didn't want to go to cities that much anyway (lol I'm not being sour grapes >.>). So it was a fun tournament and I learned a lot.

Today's artwork is by HeiSe. It's so pretty that it made me happy ^_^. How she managed to get that temple in the background I will never know =_=.

my first few CG artworks!

In light of those beautiful pictures by amazing artists, here are some sad attempts of me trying to reach their level... unsuccessfully. I made them small, just click to see a larger version.